Does anyone have a horse I can get back onto?

For as far back as I can remember, music has been my escape.  When I needed to fade away, I would lie on my bedroom floor, stare up at my blue Christmas lights I had painstakingly scotch-taped along my door frame, and listen to music.  Sometimes it was Goo Goo Dolls or Offspring, sometimes it was something just a tit bit heavier, like System Of A Down or Staind (before the pussy-ish crap they started churning out).   I let the music take me away to a place where my mother wasn’t so mentally ill- where she didn’t wish I was a more popular kid instead of the shy one that she got stuck with.  I let it take me to where coming home from a friend’s house and learning I was moving the next day and that I needed to pack my stuff, wasn’t a reality.  When I was sick of being pushed around and made to feel like I wasn’t important, I would lie down, crank it up, and dream.  I know I’m not the only one who did/does this.  That’s a beautiful thing.

Doing what I love.  Fuck the haters.

My love of music and the drive to never feel “less than” were what pushed me to get into radio.  I’ll show those snotty classmates and my mother (bless her soul) what’s what.  I will not be ignored.  Well, flash forward 16 years or so, and here we are.  I’ve made my fucking mark in the Portland radio market (much to the chagrin of  a few people.  Those few people can eat a dick.  I’m awesome.)  I made one in Vermont, too (country format, don’t judge.  I was the night girl, and I kicked ass.)  I emcee shows.  I’m proving my mother wrong every day, which is exactly what I set out to do when I graduated high school.  Too bad she isn’t here to see it.  She’d shit herself.

Would you just look at it!  Local love.

Life has never been of the easy, breezy covergirl variety.  Mental illness, divorce, bullying (from classmates and former bosses), job changes, other unpleasantness that I can’t talk about, etc., etc.  I’ve been absent from the local music scene and this blog for about a month, and I’m sorry.  I consider you my friend, and I need to do better for you.  Life has been an unfair douche-b lately.  I haven’t felt like myself and the will to live has been difficult to locate.  You’d think Google Maps would fucking help with that.  Pffft.  Anyway, to the bands and those who love them, I am sorry.  I just gotta get my shit together.

Me, with the former Stillborn Condition lineup.  Derp forever.  This was the night I kissed my now boyfriend for the first time.  Sexy.

When I agreed to emcee a show for the first time on 4/15/16, a door was opened for me.  I was given a gift from complete strangers (Burning Time).  The offers to emcee flooded in, and I became overwhelmed with the feeling of wanting these newfound friends and bands to succeed.  People need to know who these talented motherfuckers are.  No one else in Portland was doing what I thought I could do.  Hell, I still think I can do it.  My goal or mission, if you will, is to put Maine rock and metal on the map.  Lofty, maybe.  Who the hell cares?  It’s time for me to get back on the horse and do what I set out to do almost one year ago today.  How someone like me is accepted by this music scene is still mind-boggling to me, and it makes me feel important for the first time in my life.  This blog is my way of  saying thanks for accepting this shy bitchmuffin.  I’m here to show Portland (and the whole state of Maine) that Derperella is alive, and I’m here to compete.  I will NOT be ignored and belittled.  Let’s fucking do this.



3 thoughts on “Does anyone have a horse I can get back onto?”

  1. You are part of the Maine Music Family because you are a genuine person. This scene is bless with a plethora of amazing people, from the musicians you referenced, to the staff and owners of the venues, the fans that look forward to hearing you on the radio, or seeing you emcee some amazing shows. Own yourself, for as much as you support us, we support you!!

    Liked by 1 person

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