Do You Even Birthday, Bro? 

You know those days when you wake up in a great mood and you’re not sure why?  I feel fantastic, and I can’t figure out why that is, exactly.  I mean, I’m not miserable, but I’m not exactly vomiting sunshine and shitting rainbows, either.  Could it be that I’m excited about a new job that I applied for?  Possible.  Could it be toe curling sex?  A “lady” doesn’t kiss and tell.  Is it the two day birthday metal bash that starts tonight?  That is very extremely possible.  Okay, it’s probably all three, plus the fact that I actually slept several hours in a row last night.  That certainly removes a few holes in the bitch belt.

Let’s focus on the birthday metal bash at Live at 212 in Westbrook.  My dear friend Conrad Lausier of Weapons At Hand just celebrated a birthday yesterday, and when it comes to birthdays, he doesn’t just do days.  He does whole weekends.  Conrad is one of the nicest, most metal motherfuckers I know, and he put together a lineup that you just can’t miss.  I mean, you could, but you’d be an asshole.  I’m joking.  Maybe you started out as an asshole and there wouldn’t be a change in the assholery if you didn’t come celebrate.  I’m willing to explore all the options.

conrad bday

Tonight’s lineup has my lady bits all in a tizzy.  John Wagoner’s new band, Alions is up first.  This is a brand spankin’ new band that I’ve yet to see, and I’m pumped to finally make it happen.  Plus, Johnny Wags can’t resist a good crowd surf in the pit.  If you enjoyed Alter The Tides or Last Ones Alive, you will enjoy this next venture.

Destination: Void rocking the stage. Photo by Joshua Currie of Dirty Rotten Winter.

Up next is Destination: Void from Limington.  Lucas Damen and crew released their album, Tempvs Fvgit a couple months ago, and believe me when I tell you that it is a goddamn work of metal art.  From the ten masterful progressive metal songs (The Flow Arterial being my personal fave), to the artwork on the CD sleeve, this is an album that needs to be in your collection.  I attended their album release party at Geno’s, and to see those songs performed live was such a treat.  Come see it for yourself tonight!


Third up is Portland death metal band, Stillborn Condition.  Oh, you have a problem with the name?  It’s 2018 and I suppose we all have to be offended by something, don’t we?  Jesus.  Go eat a damn Tide Pod and call me when you find your big girl panties.  It’s just a name, and it’s a fucking metal one at that.  I want these assholes to play at my future baby shower and wedding.  I want my dad to walk me down the aisle to some sucker-to-be-determined while Stillborn plays 3 Bitches In A Bucket.  Keep your eye on these guys.  They’re in the process of recording their album, and I know it’ll kick all kinds of band ass.

Stillborn Condition. Notice the two off-kilter ceiling tiles? Yeah, those died that night. They killed them. Hundreds of pieces on the flo’.

Yes, there is a cover charge of $5 each night.  You can bitch all you want, but there are bands playing this two day birthday bash that have a long way to travel and Conrad wants to be sure they get money for gas and stuff.  Don’t be stingy.  $5 for 6 bands?  C’mon.  That’s fucking awesome.

The Beast of Nod, a five-piece death metal band from Boston is making the trip up to play tonight.  Hey, there’s a band that could probably use some of that cover charge!  Gas isn’t cheap.  Feeding five dudes is even more expensive.  These guys are the real deal.  Check out their two EP’s, “Enter The Land of Nod” and “Arrival” and you’ll see.  Super pumped to see them live!

Since it’s Easter weekend… get your face melted.

Another band making a trip is Begat The Nephilim from Dover, NH.  Are you a fan of extreme (no, not the band)?  You’ll love these fuckers.  I’ve seen them three or four times, and they blow me away each time.  I’m also super proud of these dudes, because they were just signed to Unholy Anarchy Records and will be releasing their debut album “The Surreptitious Prophecy/Mother of the Blasphemy” on June 15th.  Hey guys…that’s my birthday… So….

Tonight’s final offering is Chaos Machine from Bangor.  Holy motherlovin’ word do I love me some Chaos Machine, as does the Facemelter of Rock Rage Radio.  He chose their latest, self-titled album as #6 in his Top 30 Albums of 2017.  That’s impressive, guys.  The Facemelter knows his shit.  If you come tonight, you’ll notice a new face in their lineup.  Intrigued?  I am.

Conrad Lausier, Kara Smith, and some bitch.

I hope to see your gorgeous face tonight at Live at 212 in Westbrook as we wish Conrad a happy birthday, and I hope I see you tomorrow when his band Weapons At Hand plays.   If you’re a huge fan of WAH like I am, then you can’t miss it.  This will probably be the last we see of Weapons for a while, as they are taking a break.  It makes me sad, because they are one of my favorite Maine metal bands, but sometimes people need to take a break and focus on other things.  Who knows, maybe this won’t be the end.

Music starts at 7:15 tonight.  Get there early to greet the 212 fam.  I’ll be there, probably with a Curtis Coffee in my hand.  Cheers to Conrad and night one of Conrad’s Birthday Weekend!

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